Drenched
by MizzHyde
Summary: Drenched: A Song in 36 verses. Here comes the rain again / falling from the stars / drenched in my pain again / becoming who we are. AH / Slash
1. Chapter 1

**DRENCHED: A Song in 36 verses**

**These are very short chapters; they are not word-counted drabbles because let's face it, I'm jumping on this bandwagon but I'm far too lazy to do it properly. The shortest chapters are no less than 100 words, none are longer than 1000. I will post two or three times a day, depending on how long they are, until we're done.**

**All chapters are from Jasper's POV.**

**Warnings: Slash. Character death. Get your Kleenex ready.**

**The medical condition described is fictional; any similarity to real illnesses is coincidental.**

**Betas & pre-readers: HoochieMomma, EvilGiraffe82, TruceOver. It would be totally fail without you. ******Any errors remaining are all mine.****

**Thanks to Nick90990 for helping with information about the US college system.**

**Awesome banner by Unf4Rob at www . lilmizzhyde . blogspot . com / p / drenched . html (remove the spaces)**

**Twilight characters belong to SM. Prologue lyrics belong to Billie Joe Armstrong. No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><em>Prologue:<em>

here comes the rain again  
>falling from the stars<br>drenched in my pain again  
>becoming who we are<p>

1. The first time I saw Edward, I didn't notice him. I realize that sounds crazy – if I didn't notice him, how do I know that I saw him? He told me about it so many times afterwards – he liked to give me a hard time about it. I've searched my memory over and over, desperate to recall that encounter. I find it hard to believe that I could have seen him, but not noticed him. Not been startled by his face. Not been mesmerized by his voice. But I just can't. I trusted him, of course. If he said it happened, then I'm sure it did. It's just so frustrating that I can't remember.


	2. Chapter 2

2. The first time I noticed Edward was exactly a week after the day that I didn't. I finished my volunteer shift at the LGBT center much later than usual, then went straight to the campus Starbucks as always, ordering black coffee to counteract the weariness. I loved helping people; I felt it was so important to let them know that they weren't alone, but sometimes the stories sickened me, tired me out. I wouldn't sleep well regardless, so coffee was a comfort. I slid into a booth and pulled out my book, a trashy novel that required no thought, filling the aching spaces in my brain with drivel. I was aware of a soft voice asking if it was okay to sit at my table, and was momentarily irritated – it was hardly crowded at this time of night. I looked up as I grunted, _whatever_, and had to look back down again. Because although I hadn't noticed Edward before, I definitely noticed him then.

I noticed so much in that first glance. I noticed pale skin, so pale it was nearly blue under the unflattering neon lights. I noticed thick, bronze hair, not very long, but not short either. I noticed sculpted cheekbones and a strong jaw, barely dusted with stubble. I noticed green eyes; eyes blazing with hope and desire.

I stared at the same page of my book for the whole time it took me to drink my coffee, reading the same words over and over again, not daring to look back up.


	3. Chapter 3

3. The first time I spoke with Edward was when I finished my coffee, and he offered to buy me another one. I couldn't put off looking up any longer, and had to meet his gaze. My body seemed to shiver from the inside out. He was _so_ beautiful. I noticed more: full pink lips, long delicate fingers tapping lightly on the side of his mug, a rainbow earring, a leather wrist cuff.

I refused the coffee; if I wanted to sleep at all, even I couldn't cope with two cups this late. He suggested I try chamomile tea, gesturing to his own drink. He asked me if I was enjoying my book, as I seemed to be concentrating on it so hard. He was teasing me.

Once I was satisfied that I could look at him without losing control of my limbs, I gave him a full and detailed synopsis of the plot. It was worth making fun of myself just to hear him laugh.


	4. Chapter 4

4. The first time I touched Edward was when I reached out to shake his hand as I introduced myself. His hand was warm from being wrapped around his tea. His skin was smooth and he gripped lightly, not weak but not squeezing hard either. He smiled and admitted that he already knew my name. He told me about our previous encounter, the one I couldn't remember. Apparently he had come in to the center to get some contact information for college social groups. I drew back when I realized he had intentionally sought me out. He probably just wanted further advice or support. I felt irrationally disappointed. I explained carefully that I couldn't discuss anything outside the center, that if he needed to talk more, he had to go back there.

He shook his head and confessed that this was purely a social stalking. He wanted to get to know me; would I have dinner with him the next day? I was taken aback at his directness. I would come to learn that he never wasted a moment, never hesitated, never worried about taking a risk, if it gave him a chance to get something he wanted.


	5. Chapter 5

5. The first time I lied to Edward was when I told him I had plans for the following night. I'm not sure why I did it, probably a need to take back some control of the situation. He didn't seem remotely put off; he just shrugged and asked when would be more convenient. I mumbled something about not having my schedule to hand, and he laughed quietly, politely ignoring my obvious lie. He wrote his cell phone number on a scrap of paper and pushed it across the table with one long finger. He joked that he knew where to find me if I didn't call. He said that I already knew he was stalking me, so he had nothing to lose, right?

I carried the slip of paper around in my wallet for the next week, pulling it out and smoothing the creases a few times a day. I did a bit of reverse stalking. My best friend Alice worked for the Campus Housing Department so I got her to look him up, to confirm that he was a genuine student. There he was, listed as a freshman, but he didn't live on campus so I couldn't find out anything else. There was a photo of him, as there was of every student enrolled. It was the usual tiny thumbnail portrait; if I'd seen the photo before I'd met him I wouldn't have looked at it twice. As it was, I found myself persuading Alice to email it to me. I was becoming a little obsessed, yet couldn't bring myself to call him.

When I finished my shift the following week, I was wound up tight with anticipation. I had convinced myself that he would be waiting for me at Starbucks, but he wasn't. I sat in the same booth as I did every other week, but I couldn't concentrate on the book I had brought. I finished my coffee and lingered, hoping, but he didn't come.


	6. Chapter 6

6. The first time I called Edward was on the way home from Starbucks. I knew that my disappointment and irritation were unreasonable, but they made me realize that I had invested a lot of hope in seeing him again. I needed to find out if I should just throw the number away. I called from my cell as I walked home. He picked up almost immediately.

He knew it was me straight away and apologized for not coming to meet me. I brushed it off, embarrassed – it's not like we had a date or anything. He insisted that he had wanted to come, but had failed in his stalker duties due to circumstances beyond his control. My irritation evaporated at the sound of his voice teasing me. I couldn't get a word in edgeways. He told me he was very glad I had called, and asked me out to dinner again. I couldn't exactly say no this time, seeing as I had called him; I didn't want to say no, anyway. We agreed on a time and place.

By the time I hung up, standing outside my apartment door, my heart was thumping in my chest.


	7. Chapter 7

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7. The first time I went out with Edward was the next Friday night. I really had no idea what to expect. I'd never started any kind of relationship with a date like this. It was usually coffee, or in a bar, or dancing, or even fucking. Dinner felt very formal and kind of old-fashioned. Added to which, I had never been to the place Edward had picked, so didn't know what to wear either. I even resorted to calling Alice for advice, which was a first. I usually had to switch my cell off just to get her to leave me alone before a date. I didn't understand why getting it right was so important this time.

I was a few minutes early, but Edward was already there, waiting just inside the door. I relaxed a little when I saw he was wearing pretty much the same as me, dark jeans and a button-down shirt, the leather cuff peeking out at the end of his sleeve. He turned to face me, catching me checking him out, and grinned. I got that shiver again and found myself biting my lip to keep my own smile in check. I think I knew, then, I just didn't recognize it.

We shook hands and found a table. It was one of Edward's favorite places, a small family-run restaurant serving homemade Mexican standards, very relaxed and comfortable. The only reason I know what we ate is because we went back quite regularly afterwards.

Given that this was the first time we had really talked to each other, it was unexpectedly easy. Edward was funny and clever without seeming to try too hard. He told me much later that he'd been so nervous he had no idea what he was talking about. It didn't seem to matter though. By the end of the night we were making plans to meet over the weekend.

I was kind of disappointed not to get a kiss, but I figured I could wait. As long as I could see him again.


	8. Chapter 8

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8. The first time I held Edward's hand was on our third date, a week later. The second date had consisted of a picnic at a local park. I had chosen the venue and provided a basket of goodies from the local deli. Edward brought a blanket, and we sat in the late fall sunshine, watching people running and playing around us. I was beginning to wonder if he was really interested in me, as the easy banter hadn't translated into any physical contact at all. But then again, I was curiously reluctant to initiate it too; if I touched him, I might find out he wasn't real.

On that third date he took me to a small cinema downtown, to watch a weird vintage sci-fi movie. It was a fantastic place that I'd never heard of, with traditional velvet seats in short rows. We settled into the old-fashioned chairs with buckets of modern popcorn, Edward bouncing excitedly in anticipation. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, but it got infinitely better after about half an hour when Edward caught me looking at him and shyly held out his hand. I tangled my fingers into his and held them on my lap, at a safe distance from my groin, which seemed determined to embarrass me. I didn't look at him again for the rest of the movie, afraid he would change his mind.

When the credits rolled and we stood up, I had to let him go. I hoped like hell he missed it as much as I did.


	9. Chapter 9

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9. The first time Edward hugged me was after an especially hard night at the center one Saturday. We had planned to go out for dinner again, and there had been talk of maybe going on to a club afterwards. I was looking forward to it hugely. He had seemed keen to meet some of my friends who were going to be there later – plus Alice had been pestering – and I was hoping to get a chance to dance with him, maybe move things along a little bit. But I'd had a request from the center – someone had been taken sick, and Saturday nights were always busy. I reluctantly called Edward to cancel our date, and he asked if he could come with me, if he could help out at all.

The center offered support in all kinds of ways to the college LGBT community. It was a big college in a large city, but a lot of the students were away from home for the first time and if they were coming out or coming to terms with who they were, it could be overwhelming. I knew this firsthand, having struggled enormously as an undergrad.

We provided phone support, a drop-in center, sexual and health advice and even financial aid when things got really tough. I'd been helping at the drop-in center since I started my Masters, feeling I needed to give something back after all the support I'd been given. I was passionate about fighting prejudice and ignorance; it was the one thing that could make me really angry. I'd recently finished some intensive counseling training and spent a lot of my volunteer time dealing with some of the more disturbing issues we faced.

Edward wouldn't be allowed to advise students himself, but extra hands were always welcome. He was amazing, of course. He had a natural ability to help people relax, get them to ask the questions they needed, or just keep them occupied while they waited anxiously for a counselor. He made endless cups of terrible instant coffee, and held a lot of hands. He didn't complain when I worked well past my allotted shift. When I finally finished with the last student of the night, he pulled me into a sweet embrace, easing my mental and physical exhaustion by holding me tight. He let me stay quietly pressed into his warm body for a few minutes before he gently led me home, almost carrying me with a strong arm around my waist.


	10. Chapter 10

10. The first time I learned about Edward's illness was when he asked if I would be his date for a Christmas fundraiser. We had dated a few more times, but still hadn't got much further than hugs and holding hands. It was clear we were both interested in seeing more of each other, in all kinds of ways. However, despite his tendency to grab opportunities with both hands, he was very much in control, and apparently determined to take things one step at a time. I was already smitten, although I wouldn't have admitted it at the time.

I was pretty excited that he had asked me, so I agreed to go to the event, and belatedly asked him what it was raising money for. He told me about a rare genetic disorder that attacks muscles. He said that it lays dormant, strikes suddenly and kills rapidly, with most sufferers dying in their teens. I'd never heard of it, but it sounded like a good cause. I asked if there was a minimum donation, if we needed to buy a place at a table. He told me we wouldn't be there as donors, as he was a special guest of the charity.

I didn't understand at all. He had to spell it out. He told me that he had this disorder. He was one of the few that had survived childhood. The only reason he knew he had it was because he'd had a sister who died, so he had been tested. I didn't process it at all. He was standing there in front of me, looking healthy and gorgeous. I just nodded, and said okay, and I was sorry about his sister, and started talking about where to rent a tux.


	11. Chapter 11

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11. The first time I danced with Edward was at the fundraiser. It was beautiful and bizarre in equal measure. We were quite clearly the only gay couple in the room, and definitely the youngest by at least ten years. Under any other circumstances there is no way that two young men would have been accepted, let alone encouraged to dance in a setting like this, full of straight, middle-aged, wealthy couples. But they all seemed to know Edward, or at least know of him, and they certainly knew he was gay.

His survival had made him something of a celebrity. He spent the early part of the evening talking to parents of children, dying or already gone, offering them what little comfort he could. It was so obviously painful for him, carrying the guilt of living when their babies hadn't made it, but he bore it humbly and with grace. I was a wreck after about ten minutes, witnessing the tears and the hugs, and the sheer strength of the people around me.

The financial side of the event began, and people put their sorrow aside to dance and eat and bid on crazy auction items. I wanted to talk to Edward, to understand more about what this all meant, but it wasn't the right time.

Later on, when couples were swaying in small circles to slower music, Edward stood and offered me his hand. Despite my usually ferocious defense of my right to behave as I knew was natural and normal, I felt incredibly self-conscious as he led me away from the safety of the table to the center of the room. But the pay-off was feeling his arms around me, his body pressed against mine, and I didn't care. Sure there were some uncomfortable glances from a few of the other guests, but mostly they either smiled or ignored us. I could have stayed there forever.


	12. Chapter 12

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12. The first time I kissed Edward was when he dropped me back at my apartment afterwards. He had stopped the car in front of my building, letting the engine idle but not switching it off. I wanted so much to ask him to come in, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was too soon. I had never taken things so slowly with anyone before, but it felt so important to do it right, whatever right meant. I realized later that somehow we were ticking all the boxes, giving Edward the chance to savor every experience.

I couldn't invite him in, but I had to do something. I unclipped my seatbelt and turned to face him, a question in my eyes, not knowing quite what I wanted to ask him. He returned my gaze for a second and then leaned towards me, just an inch, but it was enough. I covered the rest of the distance until our faces were almost touching, and paused. His eyes closed just as our lips met.

The shiver I had felt the first time I saw him flared back to life, making me gasp. He held completely still as I pressed my lips more firmly against his. I drew back a little and his eyes fluttered open; he looked nervous and surprised and excited all at once. I couldn't prevent a huge smile stretching across my face as I leaned forward again, and this time he kissed me back. I gently pulled his lower lip into my mouth and he whimpered faintly, and then his hands were in my hair and I was holding his face as he opened his mouth to me. I groaned as I tasted him for the first time, so much better than anything I had imagined, and I had spent a lot of hours wondering what it would be like. I licked his lips and tongue and he returned every touch, learning my mouth as I explored his.

We stayed in the car for quite a while, breaking and joining, kissing slowly and then furiously until we were both breathless and I was achingly hard, running my hands over as much of him as I dared. It was difficult to tear myself away, but I had to in the end, before I over-stepped our unspoken boundaries. And I needed to get inside and deal with my raging hard-on before I passed out from lack of blood to the brain.

It was the first of a lot of kisses. Having got past the first one, Edward turned out to be quite an addict. We started seeing each other every day. We held hands wherever we went. He asked me if I was his boyfriend. It was completely adorable and irresistible and it was only after I said yes that it occurred to me that I hadn't even seen him naked.


	13. Chapter 13

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13. The first time I introduced Edward to my friends was the last day of the semester before Christmas break. After the cancelled club night, there had been a couple of other attempts at making similar arrangements, but we had somehow completely failed to manage it.

I had a tradition with a few of my closest friends that on the last day before a break we would have lunch together at a pancake house before driving off to our various holiday destinations. Partners weren't particularly encouraged, but not forbidden either, and frankly they were all curious to meet him.

I had told him all about them already. Emmett and Bella had been on my undergrad course, and Jake had been joined at the hip to Bella since the first week. None of us were quite sure where Alice had come from, she had just appeared one day and announced that she was my best friend, and it had turned out that she was right. Riley and I had dated on and off for about a year, but he was never that interested in a steady relationship and I hadn't loved him enough to push for it. We had stayed close, and he was still very much part of our group.

I warned him in advance that they would be ruthlessly inquisitive, but he didn't seem to mind, and would rather do that than not see me on my last day before break. We were slightly late, and the gang was all there when we arrived, plus Riley's latest conquest, a sweet-faced boy called Alec.

Alice was ecstatic that I brought Edward, and she and Bella hounded him with questions just as I had expected. He seemed a little distracted, and I realized after a while that although he was listening to the girls, he was watching Riley. Alec was sitting in Riley's lap and they never stopped touching, hands in each others hair, lips on skin, talking non-stop to each other and everyone else. Riley was being his usual self, which generally meant being outrageously rude and suggestive, with constant references to his sexual escapades, both current and past, me included.

Edward started out holding my hand under the table but after a while he let it go and instead laid his arm over my shoulder, pulling me firmly against his side. I smiled to myself as I enjoyed his possessiveness, reassuring him silently as best I could by laying my head against his neck and using my now free hand to squeeze his leg.

When Riley finally took it too far, as he always did, by speculating about Edward's performance in the bedroom, I told him to shut the fuck up, and kissed Edward very thoroughly, just to make sure he understood.


	14. Chapter 14

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14. The first time I gave Edward a gift was as we left the pancake house and said goodbye for the Christmas break. I'd been unsure about whether I should get him something, but Alice had insisted that it would be a good idea and I knew better than to contradict her. Of course then I had agonized over what I should get him. Eventually I found a smooth metal pebble at the local flea market, with the word 'Life' engraved on one side. It seemed somehow appropriate but I was nervous about giving it to him.

He was completely taken aback at the fact I was giving him anything at all, and at the gift itself. He thanked me and kissed me, slipping the pebble into his pocket, telling me he would carry it with him everywhere.

He was kind of embarrassed that he hadn't got me a gift. I tried to reassure him that it wasn't an issue, but he was obviously upset about it, shifting on his feet and fiddling with his leather cuff. Then suddenly his face lit up and he yanked it off and held it out to me. I protested of course; I'd never seen him without it, it was almost part of him. He grabbed my arm and secured it on my wrist, insisting that it was just a loan and he would be wanting it back next time he saw me. I had to swallow down the lump in my throat as we parted. It was going to be a long break.


	15. Chapter 15

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15. The first time I went to Edward's home was in the new year, about a month after the fundraiser. He'd been inside my tiny apartment a few times, usually ending up with heated make-out sessions on my couch, but we spent most of our time together in public. He'd asked me to take it slow; I was his first boyfriend, he didn't want to rush. I spent a hell of a lot of time in the shower after his visits, which always left me hard and aching. If it had been anyone else, I would have given up long before; but it wasn't, it was Edward. I was in so deep, I couldn't have gotten out even if I'd wanted to.

The reason Edward didn't live on campus was because he still lived at home with his parents. I gave him a pretty hard time about it at first, until he reminded me that no-one in their right mind would rent a room to a terminally ill person, let alone provide insurance. We didn't talk about his condition much, so it was always a bit of a shock when he brought it up. We hadn't addressed the elephant in the room since the fundraiser, and it was easier for me to just ignore it. He had no symptoms that I could see; he was more full of life than anyone I'd ever known. But I shut up about his accommodation.

So being invited to his home basically meant being invited to meet his parents. They lived in a regular kind of house, about twenty miles outside the city. Big, but not enormous; well off, but not rich. They were nice enough to me on that first visit – slightly formal and distant, but polite and accepting as well.

His dad took me aside at one point, while Edward helped his mother prepare for dinner. He gave me pretty much the same kind of talk that all parents give to the new boyfriend. Then he told me he was glad to see Edward happy, but that I needed to understand what I was getting into. I nodded in the right places and tried to understand what he was telling me. It all seemed rather superfluous. I was with Edward now, and there was no going back. And in any case, he was well.

It took me several more visits to work out the real reason why Edward still lived at home. His parents had already lost one child, and knew that they would lose him too, eventually. He loved them too much to make them suffer being apart from him while they still had him.


	16. Chapter 16

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16. The first time I got Edward off was the following weekend. It was pouring with rain on the Saturday afternoon, and there was only so much time we could loiter in our favorite coffee shop, so I suggested we watch a movie at my place. We got comfortable on the couch in our usual positions; me near one end with my legs stretched out in front of me, Edward sitting across my lap, leaning against the arm.

We got about half-way through the movie before Edward shifted to lean into my neck a little more, brushing his lips against my skin and then turning back to the screen. He did it a couple of times before the brushes turned to kisses, and then licks, and then he stopped pretending to watch the movie altogether. I held out as long as I could, ignoring him and facing straight ahead, but when he nipped the skin under my ear I had to give in, whimpering and throwing my head back.

He chuckled softly and then kissed his way back to my throat, sucking gently on my Adam's apple. He wriggled himself off my lap and then sat back down, straddling me with his knees planted by my hips, his mouth finding mine, his hands in my hair. I sighed as his tongue pushed between my lips, slow and careful at first, then getting more and more insistent. His mouth drove me crazy every single time and this was no exception. He was sitting back on my legs so I grabbed his hips and pulled him forward, hoping to grind against him to get a little relief. This was usually where he hesitated; I didn't want to push him faster than he was comfortable with, but God, he was killing me, so I had to keep trying.

This time, it was like he'd been waiting for it. He scooted forward and pressed himself against me. I groaned as I felt his hard cock through his jeans and held him firmly in place while I squirmed underneath him, our mouths still locked together. When we finally broke apart panting, I needed to know where this was going to end, before I got to the point of no return.

I asked him what he wanted to do, and he smiled nervously. He said he wanted me to touch him, if that was okay with me. It took everything I had not to laugh with relief. Instead I kissed him gently and pushed him off my lap so I could pull his shirt off and undo the buttons on his pants. My heart was pounding and my cock was aching but I made sure he knew that if he said to stop, I would. I laid him back gently on the couch and knelt beside him, then shed my own shirt. He stared at me breathlessly as I stroked my hands across his lean chest, hovering over him to kiss his beautiful face.

I distracted him with licks and gentle bites on his mouth and jaw as I slid one hand down over his flat stomach and under the waistband of his underwear. He gasped as my fingers grazed his hot, hard length, and when I had worked my hand down far enough I cupped his balls and rolled them gently before grasping his cock and sliding upwards. He moaned and his hips rose up, pushing into my hand. I stroked him firmly but slowly, working my mouth further down his body to suck and flick each of his nipples in turn.

I used my other hand to drag his clothes further down his legs and raised my head to look at him for a moment. He was beautiful; his eyes screwed shut, his hands clenched in fists by his sides, the most amazing gasping, whimpering noises coming from his throat. I was sorely tempted to move back up to kiss his fabulous lips, but I had a better idea of what to do with my mouth. He was pushing against my hand, trying to increase my pace, but I wasn't letting him control anything.

I lowered my head and held him still, and then pressed my tongue flat against the head of his cock. He shouted out and let loose a stream of curses that I had never heard him say before. _Perfect_. I could taste the delicious salty drops as I slid my mouth right over him and started moving my hand again. He was completely lost; he groaned and swore and panted my name over and over like a prayer. I didn't let up, didn't try to draw it out or make it last because there was plenty of time for all that later. I sucked hard and moved fast until he tried to warn me, pushing at my head, but I had no intention of getting out of the way.

He erupted in my throat, crying out incoherently, his whole body shuddering as I swallowed down everything, licking and caressing him until I felt him relax underneath me. I released him carefully and kissed his stomach before turning my head to look at him. He was staring down at me, speechless. I probably looked very smug. I shuffled onto the couch next to him, relishing the contact of his skin on mine and kissed his mouth gently.

It took him a few minutes to recover his power of speech, and after the sweetest thank-yous and compliments he nervously asked if he could return the favor. I promised him that while I would love for him to learn how to do exactly that, right now I was ready to explode and his hand would do very nicely. And probably take all of about five minutes. His grin returned, and he proceeded to prove that a hopeless over-estimate.


	17. Chapter 17

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17. The first time I told Edward I loved him was while we were making dinner that night. We'd missed so much of the movie that we had no idea what was going on, so we decided to get something to eat and then re-start it. I hadn't made anything much more than a sandwich for Edward before, as we spent so little time at my place, so I decided to throw something more substantial together.

Edward didn't know the first thing about cooking. As he so casually put it, what's the point in teaching someone to cook who isn't expected to live long enough to need to? Both he and his parents had been somewhat bewildered when he graduated High School, having not ever considered that he might be alive to go to college or get a job. His parents hadn't been very enthusiastic about him working, so they had made late applications to several local universities and had been lucky to get a last minute place at mine.

He stood in the kitchen leaning against the wall, sipping hot tea, watching in fascination as I chopped and prepared ingredients. As I started adding things to a hot pan and the smell of the spices started coming to life, he abandoned his cup and moved up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and hooking his chin over my shoulder. He told me I looked far too sexy to resist while being all masterful with kitchen tools. I elbowed him in the ribs for being cheeky but he didn't let go. He distracted me constantly, nibbling at my ear, kissing my neck, sniffing at my hair, stealing tidbits from the counter and straight from the pan, getting sauce on my shirt and his chin, laughing and teasing me until I couldn't stand it any more.

I switched off the heat under the pan and turned in his arms, pulling him firmly against me and kissing him hard. I asked him if he really wanted food or if we were going to abandon that just like the movie. He made a big show of trying to decide what he wanted more, before asking if we could maybe eat a bit later.

I joked that I seemed to have created a monster, and he nodded enthusiastically before dragging me back to the couch. I really wasn't going to complain. As he started taking off the clothes we had just put back on, I grabbed his wrists and held them still for a moment. I told him I loved him, that I was glad I had found him, that I was so happy he had noticed me when I had been oblivious. He sat back heavily, looking a little stunned, and I was worried for a moment that I had scared him. I reassured him that I wasn't expecting him to say it back to me, but I just had to let him know how I felt. He shook his head and told me I didn't understand, and that he loved me too. He just came with so much baggage that he hadn't dared to hope I would feel the same way.

I released his wrists and reached over to touch his face and we both smiled a little nervously, aware we were moving into a different kind of relationship. I gathered him into my arms and kissed him slowly. We never did get to finish watching that movie.


	18. Chapter 18

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18. The first time I spent the night with Edward was just before spring break. I was going back home to spend some time with my parents and he invited me to his house for the weekend before I was due to leave. I wasn't hugely enthusiastic at first. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to spend the night with him – badly, but I wanted to wake up with him in my arms and not have to think about his parents walking in. He promised me that his parents were quite comfortable with me staying in his bed. Strangely, that didn't help much. I'd gotten to know his parents pretty well by that point but I sure as hell didn't want to have to face them the next morning. I tried to persuade him to stay at my place instead, but he was so damn stubborn. In the end I had to give in, as he obviously knew I would.

It was beyond uncomfortable when we arrived, and his dad insisted on carrying my bag up to Edward's room. I was used to hanging out there, and tried to just do what we normally did, sitting on the porch, playing music, chatting to his mom. But the whole time I was waiting for that awkward moment when we would say goodnight to his parents.

He teased me mercilessly. Jasper Hale, champion of the LGBT community, nervous about staying over at his boyfriend's house. I punched his arm so much I was surprised he wasn't covered in bruises by the end of the day. Thankfully, his dad took pity on me at dinner and kept me well supplied with wine. I rarely drank these days, as Edward never did, so I was a great deal more relaxed by the end of the meal. When his mum suggested we go upstairs to watch TV in Edward's room I just giggled and blushed, and let myself be dragged away. We did, in fact, watch some TV, Edward lying between my legs, his back pressed against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and breathed in the smell of his hair, completely content. Until he turned over claiming he was no longer comfortable, and proceeded to make both of us even more relaxed that we had been all day.

It was worth every embarrassing moment to wake up tangled in his limbs, feeling his breath warm on my neck and his bare skin smooth against mine.


	19. Chapter 19

**Apologies for the delay in posting, no web access today. Another update will appear later.**

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><p>19. The first time I made love to Edward was the day I got back from spring break. I had missed him so much, the week I'd been away feeling like much longer. We had spoken on the phone every day, and sent a million texts, but I just couldn't wait to have him back in my arms. I called him when I was about an hour from the apartment and he was there waiting for me when I arrived.<p>

We fell on each other, barely making it to the bedroom in our desperate need to get close again. We knew each other well by that time and easily found the release we needed with hands and mouths all over each other. We lay pressed together afterwards, holding each other tight as if that would make up for lost time.

I was tired from the long drive and could feel myself drifting off to sleep, but Edward had other ideas. He traced his fingers lazily up and down my front, his lips pressed to my neck, kissing me and whispering against my skin. He told me how much he had missed me, that he loved me, that he couldn't quite believe I was really his. I turned to face him at those words, and reassured him that I really was all his, all the time, even when we were apart.

He asked me to show him. I wasn't sure what he meant, and must have looked puzzled. His hand drifted lower, down one leg, sweeping slowly back up over my hardening cock then back round again in an insistent circle. He repeated his request; he wanted me to show him. Show him I was his and he was mine. Show him I loved him, completely.

My sleepiness vanished the instant my slow brain worked out what he was talking about. I asked him if he was sure. We had talked about it before and I'd told him I'd wait, as long as he needed. He kept me very happy in all kinds of other ways. I knew it was a huge deal for him, but it was also clear that he was keenly aware of my greater experience. I didn't want him to do it just because he thought I needed it or missed it.

He was sure. He was really sure. He pulled me on top of him and wrapped his legs around me, kissing me hungrily. He held my hips and pushed his cock against mine, grinding up into me, urging me to touch him, to use my fingers, to put some part of me inside him, anything. Like I could say no.

I started slowly, my hands shaking a little as I warmed some lube on my fingers. This wasn't new, we did this a lot, and I knew how he liked me to push inside and exactly where to curl my fingers to make him cry out. I could make him come like this sometimes, with nothing but two fingers placed in the perfect spot. But this time he wanted more.

I added a third finger and felt him tense underneath me, sucking in a breath and holding it. I shifted down the bed so I could distract him by taking his cock in my mouth, licking fast and sucking hard. He immediately started breathing again and let out a moan of pleasure. I needed to get him as close as I could because I knew I wouldn't last long once I finally got inside him. My dick was so hard it hurt, but I needed to do this right, so I focused on breathing and moving and stretching until he was begging me to just please do it, please, please...

It had been a long time for me since I had been with anyone, even before I met Edward the previous fall. We both groaned as I pressed inside and slid slowly forward until our hips met. I'd almost forgotten how good this could feel, and maybe that's why it had never felt so good, or maybe it was just Edward. I was trying to take it slow, determined not to hurt him, but it was like he was made for me. I eased out and pushed back in, watching his beautiful face as it twisted with pleasure every time I moved, his breath coming in shallow gasps. But he didn't want slow, he wanted hard. He grabbed my hips and pulled me towards him, opening his eyes, letting me see the lust overtaking him.

_More_. More _now_.

His whispers were sweet, yet demanding. He knew what he wanted, and I wanted to give it to him. I let go. I slammed into him over and over, pushing up hard to hit him inside exactly where he wanted it. He cursed and called out my name, stroking himself furiously. I was overwhelmed and lost and so damn close, trying to hold on, knowing that I wouldn't be able to. He came hard, his whole body seeming to clench around me, white ropes painting his chest. I cried out in relief and ecstasy as I allowed myself to follow, thrusting hard just once, twice more and exploding inside him.

There was a lot of swearing and panting as we came back down. If I'd been tired before, now I was exhausted, collapsing next to Edward, unable to move. I was vaguely aware of him leaving the bed, probably to clean up, and then he was back beside me curling around my body, murmuring in my ear. The last thing I remember hearing was him asking me when we could do that again.


	20. Chapter 20

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20. The first time Edward stayed at my place for the weekend was when his parents wanted to go away to visit some family. Usually Edward would go with them, or stay on his own at home, but there was a big party on campus that Saturday night, so I asked if he would like to stay with me instead. He had stayed over on odd nights before, usually if he was keeping me company when I worked late at the center, but we hadn't spent more than a day at a time together due to classes or other commitments.

I think his mom was happy that he wouldn't be on his own, and she made me promise to look after him, which embarrassed him no end. Neither of us had class in the afternoon on Fridays so we decided to meet for lunch and then see where the day took us. We were both slightly nervous about having so much time together, and hadn't made any definite plans except for the party on Saturday. I had vague thoughts about maybe going for a walk in the old town near the river, or browsing around the flea market near the campus.

All those ideas went completely out of my head when Edward walked into the restaurant for lunch. He was dressed all in black – jeans that hugged his hips and then creased down his long legs, a plain black tee with a V neck that seemed to be glued to his body, black Chucks, a black baseball cap and black sunglasses that he peered over as he walked through the door. All I could think was that he looked so damn hot in those clothes, and I really needed to get him out of them as soon as humanly possible.

How we made it through lunch I will never know. He was practically vibrating with excitement and I had lost all my appetite for food. We quickly ate something and almost ran back to my apartment. The moment we shut the door behind us our clothes were hitting the floor and we were stumbling to the bedroom, frantically connecting mouths and skin, stroking and grinding and grabbing in our desperation to join ourselves together in every possible way.

We spent almost the entire weekend in the apartment. We wouldn't have made it to the party if Alice hadn't come over and physically dragged us out. When she let herself in, we were curled up under a blanket on the couch wearing only our underwear, and even she hesitated to make us move because we looked so damn happy. But she did make us go, and I guess we had a fun time. We didn't stay long though, escaping as soon as we could reasonably make excuses, returning to our sickeningly cozy nest, earning well-deserved jeers from our friends as we left.

Edward's parents came to pick him up late on Sunday afternoon on their way home from their visit. I wasn't ready to let him go, and deeply resented them taking him away. I had tried to get him to stay one more night but he said he just couldn't do it. We argued a bit; I felt rejected and disappointed. I couldn't understand why he didn't feel the same, didn't want to prolong the joy we had felt for the last two days. I wanted him to stay with me every night. I wanted him in my bed and in my arms.

But then I answered the door and saw the look on Esme's face as she caught sight of him – the sheer relief that he was still fine, the overwhelming need to see him, the tears in her eyes as he enveloped her in a hug. I knew I could never ask him to move out, that I would always have to share him with them. I pushed down the resentment that threatened to surface and tried to accept it with grace.

I wasn't going to let them have him all the time though. It took a whole lot of persuading, but we agreed in the end that during each semester, Edward would spend every weekend at my place. They got him on weeknights, when I needed to study anyway, and I got him at weekends. In reality we ended up spending quite a few weekends at his parents' place anyway, but he was officially mine, which was just fine by me.


	21. Chapter 21

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21. The first time Edward met my family was at the start of summer break. I had originally planned to spend the summer traveling, visiting my family and generally lounging around. But I couldn't face the thought of nearly three months without Edward, so had signed up for some extra classes instead. The compromise with my parents was to spend the first two weeks with them at their place.

I had told them about Edward when I'd been home at spring break. My parents were theoretically cool with the idea of me having boyfriends rather than girlfriends, but I had never brought anyone to meet them before. There had never been anyone I felt strongly enough about.

I asked my mom how she would feel about me bringing Edward with me for my stay. She was okay with it to start with, until I asked her to be specific about the sleeping arrangements. She stalled, and avoided the subject, and when I pushed her, she blamed my dad, saying he would insist on separate rooms. I was disappointed, but not altogether surprised. I pointed out that my younger sister Rosalie had brought her boyfriend home the first Christmas she was at college, and there had been no discussion about him sharing her room, he just did.

Eventually they agreed that Edward could stay in my room, but I could tell they weren't comfortable with it. Then I just needed to ask Edward if he would go. He was nervous and not completely convinced, especially when I told him about my parents' attitude. It would also be the first time he had been away from his parents for more than a few days. But in the end I guess he realized how important it was to me.

We drove down after our traditional pancake lunch with the gang. It was a very long drive, about ten hours including rest stops, so it was nearly midnight when we pulled up at my parents' place. They lived in the middle of nowhere on what had been an old ranch. They'd moved there when I left home, so it was never really my home at all.

There were no lights on except the hall and porch lanterns; I had told my parents not to wait up. Edward and I sat in the car for a while holding hands while I tried to work up the guts to go inside. For the first time in our relationship, I felt that I was the vulnerable one, and he was holding me up. He squeezed my fingers, and then got out of the car, unloading our bags while I sat staring at the front door. He opened my door for me and hauled me out of the car and up the steps.

We let ourselves in and crept around the quiet house, making drinks and fumbling through unfamiliar doorways. My mom had made up a double bed in the spare room and we collapsed into it, dressed in unfamiliar-feeling pajama pants and tees, chuckling as we curled up together and faded into sleep.

The next few days were... awkward. My parents tried really hard, but it became clear to me that their theoretical acceptance of me didn't stretch to actually being comfortable around my boyfriend. I felt so terrible bringing Edward into this difficult situation, especially as his family had been so relaxed with me. But mostly I felt sad and heavy with the realization that my parents would probably never welcome me with a partner.

Edward carried me. He was polite and charming to my parents and the few of their friends we met up with. He didn't avoid touching me but wasn't over-affectionate, until we were alone at night, when he made up for the lack of contact during the day. He was the first man I had brought to meet my family, and would probably be the last too.


	22. Chapter 22

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22. The first time I went away with Edward was a week before the new fall semester. We'd had a pretty good summer. After the semi-disastrous trip to see my parents we had fallen into an easy routine. I had a few classes to attend, and was supplementing my income by working shifts at a local bookstore. I didn't think my parents would pull my funding but it didn't hurt to start bringing in extra money. Edward wasn't taking any courses, so as well as coming over every weekend he dropped in a lot during the week.

I had a break between classes at the start of August, and Edward pestered and plotted until I found myself on my way to Hawaii, flights paid for by his parents. I didn't even want to know how Edward convinced his mother to let us go. I'd never been outside of the mainland US before and felt kind of giddy. Edward had traveled quite a bit with his family, and enjoyed showing up my lack of experience with planes and hotels.

We had three nights of total insanity. Away from the college and his parents, Edward lost any remaining inhibitions, not that he had too many in the first place. We went out dancing, attempted surfing, ate sushi and walked on the beach. We made out in public and made love in private. We spent three days lost to the world, loving each other, ignoring reality, pretending we didn't have to deal with ignorance and illness and death.


	23. Chapter 23

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23. The first time it really hit me that Edward was going to die, was when he dropped a full cup of coffee in the kitchen one morning, just before Thanksgiving. He was just picking the cup up from the counter; one moment it was firmly in his grip, the next it was on the floor. I wouldn't normally have paid any attention, I mean, people drop stuff every now and again, right? But this wasn't the first thing I'd noticed. Over the previous few weeks, there had been a couple of occasions when he had stumbled or something had slipped through his fingers.

I asked him about the coffee. I had glimpsed a flash of fear in his eyes as he stared at the shards of china on the tiles. But he refused to acknowledge it, laughing it off. I started to watch him more carefully. I noticed he had most issues with his left side. He stumbled more on that leg. I started compensating, always walking on that side, wrapping my arm around his waist if we were walking for more than a few minutes. I realized he was eating with his right hand more, his left wedged under his thigh or between his legs.

After another incident when he nearly trashed his laptop by dropping it on the hardwood floor, I confronted him again. I had educated myself a fair bit about his condition, and these were definitely warning signs. He didn't want to talk about it. He told me I didn't know what I was talking about. I begged him to enlighten me, but he was in denial.

It eventually got to me. I couldn't take the double blow of watching him starting to struggle and dealing with him cutting me out. I called his father. I had assumed that he would be talking to his parents, getting some support from them at least, but as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized that they had no idea. Carlisle was horrified. Edward was spending so much less time at home these days that he had managed to hide it from them completely. I felt nauseous, like I had betrayed him. Carlisle thanked me profusely and promised to talk to him.

Edward didn't speak to me for a week. He didn't come over and he wouldn't return my calls. I was tempted to call Carlisle again but I couldn't make myself do it. Finally I decided to go to their house. I drove over and parked on the driveway, right under Edward's window. Esme answered the door, but told me he wouldn't come down. She looked terrible; pale and thin, her eyes full of grief already. I checked that it was okay for me to wait outside, and then stood leaning against my car. For hours.

After a while Esme brought me coffee and a sandwich. She begged me to come and sit inside, but I wouldn't. I knew he could see me if he looked out of his window, so I stayed there. I didn't even sit in the car. I stood there, freezing my balls off, as the day turned into evening and the light faded from the sky. I don't know if he thought I would give up when night came, but I wasn't leaving until he spoke to me.

By the time he appeared at the front door, I was shaking with cold, my shoulders bunched up to my ears. He brought a blanket over and wrapped it round my shoulders, leading me inside without saying a word. He gave me soup and called me a stupid fuck and told me he hated me and would never forgive me.


	24. Chapter 24

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24. The first time we cried together was after I had warmed up a bit and the shivering had stopped. He climbed into my lap and held me so damn tight while he sobbed in my arms and my tears ran into his hair. He ranted about how unfair it was, how he hadn't cared before, how he had been able to accept it, how he had lived with it for his whole life, and now that he had found someone to live for, it was all going to be taken away. We sat there for a long time after the tears had stopped, comforting each other in silence. There were no words that would ease the pain.


	25. Chapter 25

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25. The first time I argued with Edward, I mean, really shouting, angry arguing, was when he was studying for end of semester exams and told me he couldn't see me for a week. His symptoms were appearing more regularly; I didn't need to see his doctors reports to know that this was the start of a painful struggle that he wasn't going to win. And yet he wanted to waste precious time studying for exams for a degree he would probably never obtain, let alone use.

I yelled at him that he was still in denial, that he needed to accept what was happening and make the most of every precious second. He yelled back at me that studying and achieving something _was_ making the most of his time, and that I was being selfish to ask him not to do his best. I retorted that I would be as selfish as I possibly could be if it meant I got to spend every waking moment with the man I loved, and that he was being thoughtless and hurtful to deny me.

He stormed out of the apartment, grabbing his backpack and books on the way. I was left shaking and wretched, not sure if I was more angry or upset. We didn't have time for this shit. We couldn't argue and sulk at each other and then make up days later.

Thankfully he seemed to feel the same way. He called about an hour later to apologize, and I tried to take back my words but he told me he recognized the truth in them. We were both right. I told him I was scared, I didn't know what was happening, what was going to happen and when. He said he didn't know either, he was such an odd case that the doctors couldn't tell exactly how fast his symptoms would progress or in what order. Most sufferers died within a few years of their first symptoms, but the late onset could make it even quicker. He said he didn't want to know, he just wanted to carry on as normal and deal with things as they happened. I just couldn't cope like that. I needed answers.

We agreed that I would go to the doctor with him and he would get them to explain it to me. It hurt to know, to finally really understand what was going to happen, even if they couldn't guarantee the specifics. But it helped me be calmer about the time we had left. And we studied together in the library as he prepared for his exams.


	26. Chapter 26

**Just a reminder as some people have asked, there will be 36 chapters in total.**

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><p>26. The last time Edward drove his car was during the following spring break. There had been long discussions with his doctors, who weren't used to dealing with someone old enough to drive. His right side was stronger, so he had no problem with the pedals, and he promised them he would stop if he ever felt his control slipping.<p>

He drove a newish Volvo that his parents had bought him in delight when he got his license. It was a ridiculously sensible and unstylish car, but Edward adored it, and the independence it gave him. He had a tendency to drive a little faster than I was totally happy with, but was always very focused and aware of other road users.

We had decided not to go away for spring break but were making day trips around the State, going to all the nearby places that we had always heard of but never visited. We spent hours wandering around small towns and parks, all rather ordinary and unexciting, just enjoying each other's company. We took turns driving, Edward usually going first on the way out and then handing over to me for the way home when he was tired.

We set out early one morning, taking the interstate for one of the longer drives we had planned. We were nearly at our destination by the time the traffic picked up, only needing to stay on for a couple more exits. As we passed the last exit ramp before the one we needed, an idiot in a BMW cut straight in front of us to get off the highway. Edward slammed on the brakes and steered out of the way, but it was a close call, leaving us both shaken. He immediately pulled over on to the hard shoulder, breathing heavily, both hands gripping the wheel. We sat in silence for a few minutes, and then he got out of the car and came round to my side, waiting for me to slide across into the driver's seat without asking.

We didn't discuss it, but he when I held out his keys for him to take back that night, he just shook his head. After that I did all the driving.


	27. Chapter 27

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27. The last time I made love to Edward was a Wednesday afternoon. I had gone home early, needing to complete a paper that had to be handed in the next day. Edward had shown up unexpectedly, in a playful mood. It didn't matter to him that I'd come home to study, or that I had a deadline to work to. I was powerless to resist.

It was beautiful; it always was. Not particularly special, or crazy, or significant. Maybe he didn't grip me quite as tightly as before, and we had to take things slowly when he found it harder to catch his breath. But I remember laughter and sweet kisses and telling him I loved him, as I always did, because it was true. We didn't know it would be the last time.


	28. Chapter 28

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28. The last time I walked with Edward was a Sunday afternoon in May. We'd had another picnic at the park, just like the one nearly two years before when we first met. We quite often brought our lunch there during the week, but this was the first time in the year it was really warm enough to bother with a proper picnic. We stayed for a few hours, watching a gang of crazy children run around attempting to play softball, but mostly arguing and laughing and chasing each other. Edward lay with his head in my lap, almost dozing as I twisted his hair in my fingers.

When it started to get cooler I offered to run home and get the car, so Edward wouldn't have to walk. He was finding it harder and it made him really tired. But he decided he was feeling up to it so we just took it slowly. I wrapped my arm around his waist, and his was draped over my shoulders. We wandered the half a mile back to my apartment, stopping regularly to let Edward catch his breath.

When we got home we rested at the bottom of the stairs. My apartment was on the second floor, so I figured we would need to wait awhile before Edward could tackle the steps. We sat side by side on at the bottom, still leaning into each other, comfortably silent. My mind drifted away to mundane things, thinking about the classes I had the next day, and whether I needed to do any laundry that night.

I turned to Edward after a few minutes, to help him get up, but he just shook his head at me. I asked if he needed more time and he nodded, but ten minutes later he still wasn't willing to try. I started to get concerned, and wondered if I could carry him up. He was tall and it would be awkward, but he had never been a heavy guy and he'd been losing weight for a while. I offered to try, and he shook his head vehemently. So we waited.

Half an hour later I insisted. I was horrified at how easy it was to lift him. He seemed so fragile in my arms. He wouldn't look at me, and he barely spoke for the rest of the evening until his mom came to pick him up. He walked carefully down the stairs, only letting me support him with one arm around his waist. He glared at me as he got in to the car, making it clear that I wasn't to mention this to his mother.

He didn't call for a couple of days, driving me frantic with worry. We eventually spoke on the following Wednesday; he apologized for pushing me away again, and we cried a little. He told me his doctor had recommended he get a wheelchair, and that I was going to have to work out a bit more so I could get used to carrying him. His voice was cracking as he tried to make light of it. I didn't tell him that I could lift him without breaking a sweat. I just told him that if he let me, I would carry him anywhere.


	29. Chapter 29

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29. The last time I argued with Edward was when he called me one Friday morning and told me he wasn't going to spend the weekends with me any more. He was dependent on his wheelchair and was physically deteriorating, needing more and more help just to get through each day. The ironic result of having been healthy for so long was that he hadn't gotten used to being helped, like most kids with his condition. He said it was bad enough having his parents do all this stuff for him; he couldn't bear for me to be doing it, too.

I was so angry. I shouted at him. I told him he was selfish and cruel. I told him it was bad enough knowing he was dying without him deliberately breaking my heart. I reminded him that I had never treated him as if his illness defined him. I pointed out that I had accepted every limitation without complaint. I broke down and begged him not to leave me.

He showed up at the usual time, and let me carry him up the stairs to my apartment.


	30. Chapter 30

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30. The last time Edward wore my clothes was a Monday morning a few weeks later when he had stayed an extra unplanned night with me. We were supposed to get him back to his parents on the Sunday night, but he was so tired that afternoon, I suggested that it would be better if I skipped class on the Monday morning to drive him home then. Of course Esme immediately offered to pick him up, so we compromised on that.

She arrived early. We would have liked to let him sleep later, but Esme couldn't manage him down the stairs by herself, and the whole point was that I shouldn't miss class, so I had to carry him to the car before I left. I'd woken him gently around six and helped him get up. He grumbled and pouted and wouldn't co-operate until I'd let him finish the coffee his doctor had told him he wasn't supposed to have any more. He then pointed out that he had no clean clothes, and refused point-blank to put on the things he had worn on Sunday. And then he smirked a little bit, completely giving himself away.

He loved wearing my clothes. I have no idea why. I mean, I liked wearing his stuff too, but he was particularly into it. He was constantly borrowing stuff out of my drawers and then trying to look all innocent when he turned up wearing something I'd been going out of my mind looking for. So that particular Monday morning I suspected he had engineered at least part of the extra night for the specific purpose of getting more of my clothes. The truth was, I would let him have pretty much anything he wanted by that point, and he knew it.

I threw open the wardrobe doors and dramatically gestured to the contents, letting him choose. He picked out my favorite jeans, of course. They were a little too big for him now that he had lost so much muscle in his legs, but that made them easier to get on him and more comfortable for him to sit in. He then made a huge show of looking over my shirts and sweaters before selecting a thin V-neck in chocolate brown that he knew I thought he looked fantastic in. I helped him into it, both of us smiling hugely. And he did look fantastic in it.


	31. Chapter 31

**There will be three chapters posted today and three tomorrow to finish. Thank-you for reading.**

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><p>31. The last time Edward stayed in my bed was the following weekend. It had been a rough week. He'd had to go up to the hospital twice with breathing trouble, and his parents were getting frantic. They hadn't wanted him to come at all, let alone stay over with me, but he had insisted, throwing a perfect tantrum that I was beginning to recognize as the only tool he had left to get his own way. I did my best to reassure everyone that I wouldn't leave him alone for a minute, I had all the emergency numbers, and he would be perfectly safe with me.<p>

The second I got him into the apartment and placed him on the couch, he fell asleep. He found everything so exhausting he could barely cope with the traveling. I think we both knew, without discussing it, that this would be our last weekend together.

I sat watching him for a while. He was still so beautiful; I still got that shiver from just looking at him. In sleep, his face was relaxed and he looked well again, if you ignored the cheekbones that protruded a little further than before, and the translucent quality of his already pale skin.

We spent the weekend in the apartment. I did as I had promised and didn't leave his side. We talked about nothing much and watched his favorite shows. I fed him soup and let him drink illicit coffee; he slept some more. On the Friday night I moved him into my bed, and he didn't leave it until Sunday. I had a TV in my room, and he was more comfortable there, so it was easier to just let him stay there. On Saturday night, when he had fallen asleep sitting up again, I carefully moved him down the bed and onto his side without waking him. Then I curled up behind him and held him as gently as I could, careful not to lean too heavily on his frail chest.

I didn't sleep much. I buried my face between his shoulder blades and cried silent tears until I drifted off for a few minutes, only to wake and start all over again.

When his parents collected him on the Sunday, we said the same things we always did, promising to call and see each other on Friday. By Tuesday he had moved to a hospice center. I was left crying into my pillows instead.


	32. Chapter 32

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32. The last time I heard Edward's voice was a Wednesday afternoon. I'd been signed off classes indefinitely and spent every day at the hospice center. Edward could have had respite care at home, but he'd seen what it did to his parents when his sister died and had insisted on moving out. It was a two hour drive from my apartment but I couldn't afford to stay at a motel all the time, so I drove a lot of miles. Sometimes if Edward was particularly bad, or conversely if he was having a good day, I'd stay late and shell out for a guest bed at the hospice, or a crummy room at a highway motel.

This day was a good day. Edward wasn't too tired and let me take him out for a walk in the grounds. I have to say, for a hospice center it was a pretty nice place. The charity was paying most of his fees; they teased him that he'd earned it. There were some formal gardens and a small lake, but Edward liked the woods at the edge of the property best. Of course, once we were in the trees, the path was too rough for his wheelchair, so I carried him a short way to a clearing where he could lie on a blanket for a while. He usually hated being carried, even by me, but this day he wanted to be outside in his favorite place, so he let me.

We lay side by side, looking at the sky, not really talking. I reached over and took his hand and I think we dozed off in the afternoon sunshine, listening to the birds and insects humming around us. When it got colder I gathered up Edward and the blanket and we made our way slowly back to the buildings. Edward talked about where he had grown up as a child, about what he remembered about his sister, about how he had liked running in the trees near their home, poking about with sticks and climbing trees. He found it hard to breathe, and regularly had to stop speaking for a few moments, but he shared little memories and images with me that I still remember every time I walk in a forest now.

I thought at the time his voice sounded different. It had been getting weaker for a while, but the tone had changed too – it was softer and more brittle. The next day, when he woke, he couldn't speak at all. We had known it would happen eventually, but it was still a shock. I saw the fear in his eyes and held him close, telling him I would never leave him.

I called Alice and asked her to pack me a case and drive it out to me. I moved into the closest, cheapest motel I could find – I didn't plan on going back to the apartment for a while.


	33. Chapter 33

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33. The last time I kissed Edward was after I shaved him the evening before he died. We didn't do it every day; it was hard for him to hold his head still and it made his neck ache. A lot of the other men in the hospice didn't bother at all – there were a lot of wispy beards on tired faces. But Edward found it itchy after a while, and I think it just reminded him of his helplessness.

We had worked out a way to communicate. We had prepared for it, knowing it was coming. He couldn't use his hands to write but had enough control to make basic signs. So he could signal that he wanted a shave, and I fetched all the things I needed. It would probably have been easier to use an electric razor, but Edward had never had one before and it seemed like defeat to resort to one now. So I brought a bowl of warm water, a can of foam, his razor and a towel, and gently held his head while I scraped the offending hair away.

After I had wiped the last of the foam from his neck, I ran my fingers over his newly smooth face. I used to quite like the scruff in the old days, liked the feel of it against my lips when he kissed me, or dragged his face down my body, looking for new spots to lick. But now, the sensation of this silky damp skin was too inviting to resist. I started at a spot just below his ear, and kissed my way along his jaw, tenderly, slowly, trying to show him my love without words. When I reached his mouth I stayed there a while. He still loved kissing; it was one thing he could still do. So I kissed him and he kissed me and for a little while we forgot about everything else.


	34. Chapter 34

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34. The last time I told Edward I loved him was after we switched off the TV in his room that night and prepared for sleep. He usually fell asleep with the TV on, but he had been restless and uncomfortable all day, and couldn't seem to relax. I had put some music on when it got late, and that did the trick. I picked out Samuel Barber's Adagio, which he loved, and once I had switched it on, I leaned over to kiss his forehead and I told him I loved him. He couldn't say the words back to me but I saw them in his eyes, along with all the doubt and fear and disbelief.

I think he still thought I would go. Or maybe that I was staying out of pity. We'd had this discussion so many times as he had become more and more sick. It didn't seem to matter how many times I told him, I don't think I ever quite convinced him. He had told me that if it was the other way round, he didn't know if he would have stayed. I told him I knew he would. I had no doubts, and that had to be enough for both of us.


	35. Chapter 35

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35. The last time I held Edward's hand was as he drifted off to sleep the night he died. The staff had gotten used to me hanging around, and I wasn't the only one who stayed regularly. I traded nights with Edward's parents, making sure that there was always one of us here if he woke. We were allowed to sleep on a trundle bed in the room, but somehow I never made it there, instead falling asleep with my head on Edward's bed, waking with a sore neck.

I could feel him relaxing at last, the tension seeping out of his grip as his shallow breathing slowed and became more regular. I allowed myself to lean forward onto the bed, holding his hand near my face, running my fingers over his knuckles, brushing my lips against his skin.

When I woke later that night, my shoulders burning from the awkward position, my lips were still on his fingers, and they were _so_ cold. I moved my hand from where it had slipped from his faint grasp to touch him, and he was like ice. The first thought in my sleep-addled brain was that he needed more blankets, that I should have tucked his hand under the covers, that I needed to warm him up. It was only when I sat up that I realized he would never be warm again.


	36. Chapter 36

**Thank-you for reading.**

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><p>36. The last time I saw Edward, he didn't notice me. He wasn't really Edward any more.<p>

I was still sitting there, clutching his cold hand when the night staff came to check in on him. They let me sit with him until Carlisle and Esme arrived and then helped me to another room somewhere in the hospice where I was given sweet tea and offered meaningless words of comfort. I didn't know I had any tears left in me, but whenever I thought they had run out, more came.

When morning rolled around, as it always does, people came to take him away, and they asked me if I wanted to see him again. I shook my head. He had already gone.


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